`I had a VERY, VERY WEIRD DREAM. Its my weirdest dream. TOO MUCH KIHAE in my veins causes this kind of brain hang-ups. But- -- it was a fun dream! cause kihae became SO CANON. :) I dont want to tell the details. saaaa-- wish it will come true!

bleah- --here comes chappies 6-7
WARNING: If you want to be happy or just smile then this is not for you. Certainely not for the faint hearted kihae Lovers who hatE angst.
 

This Day, how could I forget? Its the death of Donghae's father.

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" Kibum! Let's go- --don't change!"

Heechul almsot knocked me down when I pushed the door open. He along with kangin, leeteuk,shindong and sungmin quickly dressed themselves up halfway through the door. I tried to look puzzled and impassive.

" Donghae's dad died," Heechul shouted in my ear and I shrugged.

" I said, Donghae's dad is dead and we need to go, NOW."

Years ago, I went with them and stayed with Donghae for what felt like forever. I could not go, I know full well what happened in the last day of he wake. Just before I went home, He made it clear to me that he doesn't want to lose me. I replied with- -- " You won't be losing me. You have me already." which now, i realize, is the worst response and decision I ever made. I have to refuse to be by his side now.

"I'll follow, I have this rehearsal, they will kill me if I dont come."

actually, its not that important. They all looked hopeful at me but I frowned and let them go. Following them outside, I pretended to get to my car and go to a rehearsal but the truth is I have no clue what to do now. An existence without him will be nothing but confusion.

For the next days, He did not even go back to the dorm and I went to the wake once making sure he's not there. Im not the one he needs now, Im wondering if the confession he made Years ago was because he's too sad and wanted someone with him. Or if I said that im his because I felt sad for him. I tried to make that thought stick in my head a few times over but in the end I realize that even if we were in a wake, a party or infront of thousands of people Id still say that.

" Why didn't you go to the wake?" Kangin asked me as we were riding the car to the studio.

" I went yesterday, " I replied and he nodded. He looked as if he wanted to ask me something.

" Donghae said he wants to see you.. Badly," He emphasized the word Badly and My body shuddered. I have to keep up with the plan, whenever I feel like coming back to him- -- I recall his cold body in his own wake and I snap back to reality.

" we'll see each other when he gets back." stepping out from the car, I avoided kangin's questions and went straight to the shhot and trying not to think about him.

It been more than a week and I did not even call him. Im close to dying. The old man was saying the truth when he said Id be giving my Life away if I wanted him to Live. This is the longest ive been in the past and I hated the fact that its not the time that I chersihed-- New Year of 2007. The memory never fades away, I wish it will. After this, all else will. For the tenth time- --my feet led me to the wake but I have to stop and win. I won't go back for nothing anymore.

The dorm room is quiet, everyone is busy and I just went here to get my clothes then go back to the studio. I wonder were auntie is, the place looks like a total mess! Good thing no hidden camera or surprise visits are going here or they'll see this disaster. This is what happens wehn we just go home to shower or get new clothes.

Turning the bathroom doorknob i failed, its locked and I could hear running water, No. More of the shower.

" Heechul! Don't drown yourself in the shower! Im in a rush.. "

I knocked at the door but he won't even answer.

" Don't pretend you dont hear me! come out!"

Arguing with heechul is not a good idea at all. I sit down the couch and something caught my eye. Its donghae's bag. he's back! I quickly opened every room door but he's not there. Panic came over me when I realized that he's the one in the shower. why isn't he answering? Running towards the door- -- I pounded at it.

" Hae, I know you're there. Please open it now."

No answer, I could still hear the running water. My mind exaggerated yet again and I pounded the door even harder.

"Hae, come on! open up! you're scaring me!!"

My mind refused to function anymore. Scrambling at my pocket, i reached for my phone but when i opened it-- I did not find anyone I could call.

" Lee Donghae! Let me in! or atleast, stop that water.. "

I stepped away and searched the backroom for tools. I got my hand on a hammer and some screwdrivers and I tried to break the knob. Keys were no longer in mind, If  have to destroy this door just to get him to go out. I will. My hands are trembling incontrollably as I tried to destroy the knob and I kept on shouting:

" Please answer me if you hear me! hae!"

Still no answer. With one final hit- -- The knob broke and I opened the door. What I saw infront of me is worst than the way he looked inside his casket and again, I caused it. I wonder if I'll ever make him happy.

Right before me is Donghae. Still dressed in his black suit, soaking wet in the shower. He's sitting down and looking at the bathroom wall but he looked uncoscous if his eyes were not open. Reaching for his arm, I found it har to make him stand up for his body is almost limp.

" hae, you could get sick. You have to stand up, Lets get out."

Then I noticed it, He was not hearing me anymore or maybe even seeing me. He was in shock.

" HAE, Snap out of it. Please!"

I know what im doing won't help, Im scared as hell and i dont know what to do. Kneeling right infront of me, my jeans got wet too but its the least of my worries. I shaked him repeatedly and looked right at his face but he won't even look at me.

" Look at me! come on! look at me!"

Nothing, not even a single gesture. I tried to warm him by an embrace but im soaked as well and I couldn't help. I always made things worse for him, that will never change.

" Im sorry. But im here now, so please. Just come back to me."

I kept repeating those words and again my tears were falling along with the drops of water. Its better to cry infront of him like this, He won't notice. Suddenly, I heard someone come in. Yes, its the auntie who cleans the house. Seeing me, she looked shocked and worried.

" Is the shower broken? what- what?" She went to the bathroom and saw donghae.

" Jesus! what happened to him?" I did not answer and helped her get donghae out and she quickly wrapped him with towels.

" Dear, look at me. Im going to get you warm. okay?" He turned her head to me but I was already gone. I had to get away from me.

I feel stupid right now for I came so close to failing him. I shouldn't be doing this anymore, I should be running as far as I can away from him but Life is making fun of me. No matter where I go or if I turn in a corner, he's patiently waiting for me. Maybe fate doesn't want us to be together at all. Why did fate have to let me have him for a few years and take him forever? It should've never created this feeling in the first place so I could go on living without thinking that there is so much more for me. for us.

Auntie is surely taking good care of him right now.

" Son," she knocked at my door and I opened it.

" I'll be leaving, he's already in his room. I suggest you look after him. Ive heard what happened, he should not be left alone."

I nodded. What harm can looking after him do? I enterd his room and he's still awake. Looking at nothing in particular and he did not even pay attention to me. sitted in his bed I sat at he floor and rested my back on the wall- -- staring right at him.

" Im sorry."

I know he won't say anything.

" You won't understand but please try, I cannot be around you anymore.Don't even come near me. "

I sighed and continued- -- " trust me. it will be better for the both of us."

This torture is getting to me and I walked towards the door but just before

I opened it he replied --

" I thought you'd save me again."

I froze " But I was wrong."

I opened the door and closed it shut. Its about time he realized im the wrong one for him.

CHAPTER 7


 We all dreamed of that one person who is unbelievably right on the qualifications that we set, only to find out later on that you're wrong but you still stick to your choice. You have no choice, you've fallen already. Perhaps, donghae wanted somone who's nice and just to narrow the list -- someone like me. But he had no choice when he decided to fall for me, without question he accepted me and im trying to stop it before I totally destroy him.

 Last night, I did not want to leave him alone in an almost catatonic state. However, staying there and looking at him will only be the death of me. I know I will never win against him even if I try, My only escape is to walk away from him and be a dissapointment. I want to shatter his expectations.

" i thought you'd save me again."

Those words would not leave my heart. It never will.

"wake up sleepy head!!" Sungmin pounced on me and I sat up.

" you're awake already? "

" kinda" I nodded and he looked at the bed beside me. Heechul is already gone.

" You were here when donghae came back?"

I gave him another yes " is- is he okay? can we talk to him now?"

I need to lie. " yea."

His eyes lit up and I stood up. Sungmin quickly called out for donghae, he wants to cheer him up or try to make hae feel that he is not alone.

After a shower, I rushed to a drama shoot then the day went by quicker than I expected. I tried to keep my mind of him- -- I should be spending my thoughts on him cause after this there will be no "us" anymore. But I want to get used to not seeing him anymore.

" what a surprise,"

Seeing Mr.Park made my mood darker. But I don't need to linger on sad thoughts anymore.

"Mr. Park." I greeted the devil casually.

" I did not notice you at the wake-- "

" I went there, but there were a few people around." I turned my back from him, fixing my things and pretending to be busy.

" is there something wrong between you and donghae?"

" You see- I dont see why you care so much and I don't, we don't need any of it. " I said sharply and picked up my bag but he followed.

" I care for donghae. He shouldn't be too fond of you, that's why im too concerned."

I stopped and faced him once more, " If you care that much for him. .. Leave him alone. "

He looked at me " That's what im doing" with that, I left him alone.

Night is almost coming and I need to get home, I need to go back to a future without Donghae. A future which I do not exist. I remembered this book I read in my english book back in america which quotes: " You have bewitched me, body and soul." That, exactly is what im feeling.

" Kibum!" I turned and there he was.
With his tired facade but still smiling. His worn shirt and backpack placed in his shoulders. Just so normal, So real.

" Hey!" That was all I could manage to say and my tongue got tied when he came closer. His happy mood and the spark in his eyes are back and I hope it will stay there longer.

" Im craving for ice cream--" He took my hand "come with me".
His smile became even brighter and I took his lead.

After a few minutes im now in an ice cream parlor, almost a hundred flavors were on sale and I found it hard to choose just one. Donghae studied each flavor and was pointing to the flavors he'll get.

" what will you have?" he inquired.

" VANILLA." I said flatly. I had like, five choices and each one seems to be the best and i did not want to pick one.

" WHAT? There are over fifty flavors in there! why vanilla?"

" That's my secret." I grinned and he punched my shoulder.

"What was that for?!" I almost yelled and glared at him.

" For picking the stupid, plain vanilla!" He stuck his tongue out and left me.

I can only laugh to myself, he is such a kid. Walking out the store, people stare at us and we walked in a faster pace to avoid more stares. Arriving at a deserted park- -- he sat down and ate the rest of the ice cream.

" so, why the vanilla?"

I knew he wouldn't let the subject go.

" The vanilla is more like You." I replied. Its the truth.

" Im not plain!" He protested.

" Every flavor in that ice cream parlor came from the vanilla one." I said, " You wouldn't be eating those three flavors you picked if the vanilla didn't come out first." I said casually. But he suddenly turned silent.

" I told you already, why are you not speaking?" I smiled at him but he stopped eating from the cup and threw it away.

" You didn't have to say that- "

" But its the truth," I smiled even more. Like it was just normal to tell him how much he means to me.

" If you say so." he replied coldly and left me. I wonder what's going on in his mind. Then I remembered, I left him the other night and im trying my very best to maintain a distance from him.  I have the feeling that we are slowly drifting apart. which is a good thing in the long run but for now, it makes me sick inside.

Donghae's mood continued to take a lighter shade when we went back to the dorm, Hankyung and the others were surprised to his sudden protests.

" I want Beijing fried rice. I won't eat without it."

With one statement, Hankyung, without question prepared all the ingridients and heechul offered his help. No one dared contest donghae''s wishes- -- if it makes him happy, we must all oblige.

" You're evil." I whispered while he was using the computer. Leeteuk and Kyuhyun gave him their precious online hours because he said he wanted to talk to his mom. But now, he's just busy surfing.

" you're jealous." he smiled, still not taking his eyes off the computer.

" you can't do that to me." I stated and he looked at me.

" I know that."

There was something in the way he said it. Like he knew Im from the future and returned to break away from him. Like he knew that there is nothing he can do to bring everything back to the way it was and for it to remain that way.

Dinner was fun and everyone had the donghae from before. Kangin took out some drinks and we ended up drinking till the only ones who remained are me and donghae.

The silence is so awkaward but neither one of us wanted to give up. Hyukjae almost dragged Hae to his room but he said NO. He wanted to remain with.
 

" I honestly thought you'd come and save me, Like you always did."  He finally spoke, breaking the silence.

" You should be the one saving me, Im snow white" I joked. he laughed and wiped a tear in his eye.

" I could not accept that my father died that way- -- " He started and I just kept quiet.

"But you know what's worst?" I looked up at him, he seems to be gathering his thoughts.

" I was half-alive at the wake and I searched for something, someone who can change all that. But no one, Not even people that I love, I loved came close to bringing me back to life- -- "

He took another sip,

" Every face were so vague and unfamiliar and no one gave me comfort. Then I went home, soaking msyelf, thinking that If water cleansed me- - I can feel safe."

Now i understand why he locked himself up in the bathroom.

" But again, I was more lost ever. But you came. You pounded at the door and gave me warmth. You saved me."

I opened my mouth but he spoke again.

" Im sorry if I told you that you left me, You saved me again. You always do and sometimes I wish you'd stop doing it cause I'll get used to that. But the truth is- --"

"Hae. " I cut in.

" The truth is, I want you to save me. I want you to pound the door when I want to lock myself up. I want you to close the shower when I get too soaked or just stay with me."

He sighed.

If death would come at times when out heart would beat faster than what you're body is capable of- i might have died the sweetest death right now. But death was too easy of an escape for me. This is just the last thing I needed to walk away from him, a confession. Im beginnning to wonder if I can really escape Fate? Yes. I avoided his confession at the wake but in exchange for this intense one. Im left speechless.

He spoke again. " " when I was a kid, I liked this particular hat. I walked day by day infront of that shop. The hat never lost its beauty and the price was still way above my money."

I listened intently, " Once, my dad saw me eyeing it so much and asked me if I like it. I said NO. "

He stopped for a moment, collecting his thoughts.
" I honestly don't know why I said no. I want it! I want it so much.. Then, now i think about it. I said no cause I feared its beauty. I did not want it to be with someone as unworthy as me, I did not deserve that pricey hat." He smiled. Like he was recalling a beautiful memory.

"
" then after a week, my father bought it for me. " he told me to never feel like im unworthy, that something great is bound for me wheter im unworthy or not. that i should not keep my mouth shut when i feel something- -- "

My heart thumped faster, threatening to kill my already weak body. I know what's coming next and I want to stop him, disrupt whatever confession he's going to say but something deep inside me wants to hear what he has to say.

" this past year, i feel like that kid again. I swore id never be that scared kid again, but- -- "

I interrupted. " You're just fine. You got over his death very well- --"

" Its not that. Look, I know you won't- -- "

" Hae."

"Let me finish." he replied, almost pleading.

" I know you won't even consider but I have to tell you, I just cant sleep another night knowing that you're just a room apart from me and - --"

With every ounce of power i have, i fought the urge to tell him that I feel exactly like he does- maybe more than that. But just seeing his face in the casket again, the banging in my heart softens.

" Im falling for you- -- im sorry."  He bowed his head and held the glass in his hand tighter.

" what are you saying? You're drunk." I tried my best to sound disgusted and angry but the tears forming in my eyes are giving it away and I turned away.

" I wish I am so I can wake up the next day and forget about This. Forget about You."

" Then do that- " I replied quickly. I should tell him now, or else my voice will break. " Forget this night. Forget me. Forget that damn feeling of yours!"

I said the last statement louder than intended and he stood up,

" Just Before I go-- " he's stuttering and his hands are shaking. " Please, tell me again, to go away. Im trying you see but I just cant walk away that easily from you. Just tell me again, "

" I will never Love you."

Its the greatest Lie I ever said in my whole life. and Like all other Lies its for a greater purpose and not just an excuse to get out of trouble. Id rather see him like this now than see him Lifeless in the future.

"- --and please wake up tommorrow and hate me."  I continued. He left me and shut his bedroom door.

I am doing the right thing, I know it. Im doing something good cause it doesn't feel right.

The Night still hanged over me and the skies are darker than ever. I did this for him, I just hope he'll understand. I closed my eyes then the line entered my thoughts again -- -

" You have bewitched me, body and soul."
 

AND I JUST HAVE TO SAY THAT:
 I LOVE ALICE NINE'S MUSIC.

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NON-EXCLUSIVE:

" I dont care if you dont know BoysLikeGirls, If you're friend dragged you here or you just passed by while you're shopping. I want you all tO GO CRAZY!!"
-Martin Johnson

` AND CRAZY is what I DID. :)

` Add the BLYKG gig (sept608) as one of the best moments of my life as of now. :] cant wait for more!

`ANECDOTE: I entered the mall at around 2pm and I heard hero/heroine and it was not good- the instruments were not in tune. I thought it was just the speakers XD, But when I looked at the stage. baaaam!! BLYKG on doing the sound-check and I just shouted: OMG!!!!! WAHAHAHHA! :) Luckky! Not so many people were there cause they expected them at 5pm.